Done

I'm so tired. So tired of trying. I used to do well whenever i wanted to do well, and so i did complain, but they were stupid complaints to try and fit in and not be dismissed as arrogant. But not matter how much i try now, it just seems never enough. I have given my social life, my sanity, my well-being. And still i am a total disaster, i keep seeing myself as a failure, in every possible way. And meanwhile im still trying so hard to fit in, but it seems antagonic. the more i try doing good at school the more dissociated from reality i feel, the more left out i feel. I know it is because of me, it is totally my fault for letting people out. But for me it is totally impossible to show my feelings, it is something that does not go well with me. And even if i did i would never tell anyone the truth, im dishonest with absolutely everyone, and i feel horrible about it. I wish it was easier for me, i wish i did not have to struggle that much to simply be okay, I wish happiness was easy to me. And i know it is not always like this, if i did not know what happiness was i would not crave it when im down. It is just that i try so hard to do what everyone would like to see from me, im so done with expectations, making me mistreat my body, which is the easiest way of self punishment. At every moment that passes i just feel lonelier and less cared about. Im just so done.